rad pacifier stains

dear dentist,

i think i am
(i might be)
(is this how that feels?)
and its (occasionally) overwhelming
(what's overwhelming?
..oh. nothing, really.)

dearest patient,

after a thorough analysis
my worst suspicion has been confirmed
you are drowning in brown
you really should take better care of yourself
for your mothers sake at the very least

dear dentist,

i regret to inform you that i will be leaving town
(for a while)
ive never had the stomach for
this sort of thing
my body is a third wheel
that my brain has been drunk behind
far too many times

this vessel is my own personal
physical manifestation
of an ungrateful stepchild
and i am afraid it has left me no choice
but to take it out behind the proverbial tool shed
and beat it to within an inch of its proverbial life

as the old proverb says
it cannot be stated with any degree of certainty
that i will come back in one piece
but if i do not i can assure you
those will be the pieces
that mattered most

dearest patient,

i am not familiar with this subject matter
but its a big world out there
i can tell you that i have found from my own experience that
things can be quite sticky
but sticky things are often sweet
sometimes the stickiness is the material used to pave roads
my point is
youve got to do what youve got to do
send me a postcard, wont you?
i am a very busy man


dear dentist,

i am not the kind of person
who can easily smile when their heart is breaking
or can give a wink and a nod
when their hands are shaking
but who knows
maybe i am
and maybe
i can

i had a dream
that i vanished
and in that moment i was absolved
of the fact that i had achieved the completely unique feat
of being absolutely unloved by anyone
and in turn, loved pretty much everyone
so fucking hard

im sure there is some significance behind this
but i am also a very busy man
the pizza hut lunch buffet ends in two hours
and jeopardy comes on at 3:30

good luck with your boys
from what i hear they are excellent basketball players
and your wife
hot damn
those moves were cold
you are the reason
america looks so good

dearest patient,

you leave my wife out of this
tonight, the gloves come off
im going to clean up your act

in conclusion and in summary,
although we agree upon the indisputable fact that
ronald reagan was our greatest president
i must ask you to please
never write me (or my family) again

we are but simple folk
who live off the land
we have been fortunate enough to benefit from
the milk and honey of the mouths of human kindness
and have done you no visible harm
your scars are emotional
and my hands are so clean

leave us in peace
in the name of jesus christ we pray
oh man

dear dentist,

your cowardice is a betrayal of the human spirit
i will not be attending any of the your sons
future basketball games
and your wife's gallery exhibition?
forget about it
you blew it hot shot
you had the queen over for dinner
and you shit in her cereal

goodbye forever
your once and future girlfriend,

Review Questions:

What was the name of the dentist's wife?

What color was the lip gloss Jamal gingerly applied while composing his final letter?

Quantify this poem in a numerical statement?

If this poem were a race, who would win? What color would their skin be?

Extra Credit:

Rewrite this poem in your own words. Your own word is 'haug' and must compose 75% of the final composition.



colors... are gay


no one reads these things

iggum criggums
ill never be good at anything
thats worth anything

shnam bazzups
this chronic pain will get worse and worse
my hairline will recede into the sea

snerp cruzzums
when i was eleven years old, i figured out that life is a dumb joke
told by an idiot
the trick is not to try not to care

smile when your heart is breaking
that sort of thing

crollop trazzbot
shnuffle tanjendo
i mean transjendo


zebra stripes, down the pipes

when I wake
and the sheets are damp with
liquid shame
(the good kind or the bad)
I’m reminded of what Dr. Martin Luther
King Junior said
I just can’t remember it
at the moment
It probably wasn’t very


Quickly, to the escape pod my young apprentice!

Quickly, to the escape pod my young apprentice!
Let’s verb these nouns like a simile
Girlfriend, he says, I need some
Cardiopulmonary resuscitation
The professor tells the whippersnapper that hugs
Are only recommended
As an effective method for removing
An object blocking the windpipe
At least that’s what dad always said
...but he's just some guy anyways

We now find ourselves a small Vietnamese restaurant;
Husband number one says
This puncture wound
Will manifest as lockjaw soon
Interesting, replies wife number one
Buuuttt I already saw that on Dateline
She begins to recite
In the case in which a remedy is needed
To counteract the swallowed poison
That grows inside a given womb
Middle America just aborts it
Cuts a fat rail
And snorts it
If I may interject, he interjects
That’s all I had to say
I’d tell you how I’m feeling
But feelings are gay

But I still don’t feel like I’ve learned anything!
The young scientist cries, his nouns verbing metaphorically
as he is shuffled along toward to escape pod door
Son, the professor adverbed
This interjection is for direct pronouns
And that pronoun just may save your life one day
So show a little adjective
And seal the door shut once you’re inside
There’s a lot of hardcore shit going on out there
And I just don’t think you’re ready to be
Exposed to it

What's the point of even owning a TV anymore?

I had a dream about Vancouver
You were there
We went to Chuck E. Cheese and stole the hot sauce
I dared you to drink the whole thing
You laughed with your eyes and told me to go first
So we did it at the same time
I've never seen so many ghosts so fast

Stick to the rainbow road and you'll see stars
Said LSD Cosby
So that's what we did…

And we saw voices
And heard colors
And rode the orgasmic dolphin
Like we'd put a quarter in its blowhole

I laughed til I coughed up red
And you drank milk til it shot out your nose
And I think I may have loved you for a minute back there

We both agreed we hadn't had this much fun
Since God knows when
So we asked him
And he told us to stay in school

But that sort of thing is like going to the movies, or sex
Or eating at McDonalds
It's really only fun with someone else

Being a 'party of one' can be a little too real sometimes
And if your thoughts race as much as mine do
You'll find yourself needing something
…to slow your head down

So to answer your question
That's why I could never be one of these people
Who doesn't own a TV


the physical manifestation of brute, inarticulate rage

i could tell you were excited
i could see it in your eyelids
and when I close mine
i see muted colors
warmer than all the molasses cookies
lovingly made by everyone grandmother
in Mississippi
during the 1960’s