advice

The universe is indifferent. Anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to sell something. Don't be deceived. Take pills if you feel the need, sleep as much as you can. Don't let well-bred people with strong presences and firm handshakes get you down. Live an active inner-life. Don't feel as if you need to 'express yourself', that's a dead-end (you'll have to trust me on that one). As you age, consider adopting a protein-rich diet. Other people are overrated. Trust your intuition when it tells you that you are the only person that truly matters, but you don't matter all that much. Apathy will save your soul when nothing else can. Apathy will protect you from the those vicious little feelings that flail around and cause you pain when you don't have an outlet for useless emotions. Try to be as cool as you can. It's the only way to go.

paternity suite

was that your dad out on the lawn last night, wailing in tongues
castrating the family dog
tantalizing the family lawn mower
or was it mine?

Dads are: one and the same
"my father is your father"
as yours is mine (this is a lesson i learned in school)
from boyfriendless women
and fatherless shrews

you know, i must take this opportunity to say that i have always admired your mother
i feel that since you and i have both come of age we can talk about these things
she has always struck me as a proud trophy of a horse
a stern peak of dignity in a sterile container
beauty in a 3 bedroom/2 bath
a matriarch for the ages

i'll admit, i've snuck a whiff or two
i hope it doesn't shock you terribly
you see, she enchants me quite thoroughly
that dame, she's alright
i'd like to take her to a fine italian restaurant, perhaps a few towns over, for some eggplant parmesan and a reasonable merlot
your dad is not invited, F.Y.I.
he just wouldn't get it

San Fernando Valley, CA.
Tuesday, 11:22 P.M.

our girl, she's a true party favor
a sassy diva, a confident and outgoing modern woman
slightly sophisticated, with ideas of her own

'go on, get wet' someone told her once, in so many words
be true 2 yourself
but also, don't forget to b yourself
re-evaluate your status
almost constantly, check for errors
folk wisdom suggests most wise folks adhere to such standards
folksiness will get you everywhere in your later years, she assumed

her night had not gone as expected. tore up from the floor up, a wasted crust of a stump, her mouth ached with the salty burns. she tasted for a flavor. (there were none currently available.) 'well, shit', she exclaimed. then she remembered something, a promise she had made to herself long ago--

live your life to the fullest
live every moment like it were your last
'cause it just might be

having not the slightest notion of how to maximize her pleasure capacity at each and every present instant, she resigned herself to alcoholism.

potential opportunities

You see that junk over there
it's all junk
you don't want it
true desire is aroused by this fine specimen
with several distinct odors and flavors
make you so happy
(partially made of gold*)
Don't underestimate that kind of privilege.
you could be one of the people that actually matter

I was once like you. Then I found it. Now I'm like me. That speaks volumes about your potential.

In things, I am

In things I am, and am not, because I lack and desire and feel the kind of urges I couldn't fully explain until recently. In time I was, and wasn't, because either I couldn't remember what my place was in it or wasn't doing anything particularly remarkable and may as well not have been anyplace at all.

In time, I am, and have always been, even if I was relatively insignificant. But I was here, and still am and I still remember some of the smallest details with the complete lucidity of someone who was totally interested. I could speak of instances in waiting rooms as a kid or inconsequential car rides with the utmost precision, yet couldn't recall the majority of my most joyful moments, or the seeming profundity of my most miserable hours.

In time, such acute sensations have faded. I too have faded, only to be rejuvenated (perhaps too strong a word), undeniably changed. I have experienced the pleasure of a sound mind at the peak of intense ecstasy and failed to appreciate it. I have also experienced the horrors of a lost soul marinating in the depths of irrational, senseless pain and have forgotten its significance. In these memories I am but a viewer from the present, distant and detached, at times utterly dull, others half-listening. I stare and stare, but I don't know what it means. I don't know who that is. I don't recognize him fully-- only as an acquaintance whose mannerisms seem quaint and, if anything, serve to embarrass, slightly.

It has been suggested to me that I ought to take the position of thinking that in each present moment, I am reborn. I'm considering it.

I have seen the sidewalk pulsate, pavement rise from the earth as its adjacent counterparts recede inward. I have seen the sky turn virbrant, braided colors and take on a different appearance entirely, an indescribable quality, and I've felt the streaming tears of pure joy run down my cheeks as my body shuddered with spontaneous pleasure, and it has passed, and it is now just a memory.

I am from one moment to the next a has-been, seeking redemption or at the very least, freedom from the crushing boredom of the whateverness of the mundanity of the unstimulating, of the less-than-alright, of the un-yummy. But things will assuredly be yummy once more. I'll be reborn into them, in the midst of their gooey froth, only to be reborn out of it into another car ride or doctor's office, pining for the sensations linked to the images I've carefully retained. In the meantime, the lonely nostalgia of all my good-timin' erodes my soul.

I am, in things, perhaps less than in my dreams
I am, in fact, barely kept in tact-- 
By desire, by my brain
By these things I can't explain
Or couldn't until I figured out their meaning
Now that I have, I'd like to think
I am redeemed.