faux-misogynistic musings vol. 1

that jinkety jankass

junkyard skankass

was skankening

for a prude



for a stank spankening


and bankening

on a frank prison yard


im fine im fine im fine just fine

i shiver like a milkshake
quivering in my boots
my socks are wet
my feet are cold
my brain is in cahoots
with some loser's inner demons
the ghosts that hurt the most
the kind that make you want to cry
tears made out of goats

rad pacifier stains

dear dentist,

i think i am
(i might be)
(is this how that feels?)
and its (occasionally) overwhelming
(what's overwhelming?
..oh. nothing, really.)

dearest patient,

after a thorough analysis
my worst suspicion has been confirmed
you are drowning in brown
you really should take better care of yourself
for your mothers sake at the very least

dear dentist,

i regret to inform you that i will be leaving town
(for a while)
ive never had the stomach for
this sort of thing
my body is a third wheel
that my brain has been drunk behind
far too many times

this vessel is my own personal
physical manifestation
of an ungrateful stepchild
and i am afraid it has left me no choice
but to take it out behind the proverbial tool shed
and beat it to within an inch of its proverbial life

as the old proverb says
it cannot be stated with any degree of certainty
that i will come back in one piece
but if i do not i can assure you
those will be the pieces
that mattered most

dearest patient,

i am not familiar with this subject matter
but its a big world out there
i can tell you that i have found from my own experience that
things can be quite sticky
but sticky things are often sweet
sometimes the stickiness is the material used to pave roads
my point is
youve got to do what youve got to do
send me a postcard, wont you?
i am a very busy man


dear dentist,

i am not the kind of person
who can easily smile when their heart is breaking
or can give a wink and a nod
when their hands are shaking
but who knows
maybe i am
and maybe
i can

i had a dream
that i vanished
and in that moment i was absolved
of that fact that i had achieved the completely unique feat
of being absolutely unloved by anyone
and in turn, having loved pretty much everyone
(so f-ing hard)

im sure there is some significance behind this
but i am also a very busy man
the pizza hut lunch buffet ends in two hours
and jeopardy comes on at 3:30

good luck with your boys
from what i hear they are excellent basketball players
and your wife
hot damn
those moves were cold
you are the reason
america looks so good

dearest patient,

you leave my wife out of this
tonight, the gloves come off
im going to clean up your act

in conclusion and in summary,
although we agree upon the indisputable fact that
ronald reagan was our greatest president
i must ask you to please
never write me (or my family) again

we are but simple folk
who live off the land
we have been fortunate enough to benefit from
the milk and honey of the mouths of human kindness
and have done you no visible harm
your scars are emotional
and my hands are so clean

leave us in peace
in the name of jesus christ we pray
oh man

dear dentist,

your cowardice is a betrayal of the human spirit
i will not be attending any of the your sons
future basketball games
and your wifes gallery exhibition?
forget about it
you blew it hot shot
you had the queen over for dinner
and you shit in her cereal

goodbye forever
your once and future girlfriend,

Review Questions:

What was the name of the dentist's wife?

What color was the lip gloss Jamal gingerly applied while composing his final letter?

Quantify this poem is a numerical statement?

If this poem were a race, who would win? What color would their skin be?

Extra Credit:

Rewrite this poem in your own words. Your own word is 'haug' and must compose 75% of the final composition.

zebra stripes, down the pipes

when I wake
and the sheets are damp with
liquid shame
(the good kind or the bad)
I'm reminded of what Dr. Martin Luther King
Junior once said
I just can't remember it
at the moment
It probably wasn't very

a poem called ’no one reads these things’ - a clarification for those who are reading it
iggum criggums
ill never be good at anything
thats worth anything

shnam bazzups
this chronic pain will get worse and worse
my hairline will recede into the sea

snerp cruzzums
when i was eleven years old, i figured out that life is a dumb joke
told by an idiot
the trick is not to try not to care

smile while your heart is breaking
that sort of thing

crollop trazzbot
shnuffle tanjendo
i mean transjendo



The newest tunes zap the boons and zoons

Goons zoom through tiny toons into my freshly clean wombed

That fetus was doomed. boom

The Time Has Passed
For Smoking Grass
And Wasting Time with Feelings
Emotions are for Losers
And Cuddling is for Demons
The Specter of Reality
Haunts Your Homely Fixins
Shopping is for 'Corporate Ghosts'
But Whining is for Victims

untitled #2

pulsating violence penetrates

your brain

like a thick skull fuck in the butt

the orgasmic dolphin

the orgasmic dolphin rides again

swifter than the sword or pen

he speaks no words

just fun with girls

and all his dolphin friends