elucidation, eluded

what a stupid thing
to like a person's face
to like a person because of a face
to like a person because of their face

faces are not in short supply
pick up a newspaper
or better yet, dont

i only ever wanted you to be good
i only ever wanted for us to be clean and tidy
and leave this space exactly the way it was when we found it
but we browned it
it used to be green and blue, with hints of reds and yellows and purplish hues
now its brown. im not saying thats a bad thing, but

hell is where the heart is, it just keeps getting fresher
im a slave, i know
but this is a fresh, new kind of slavery
the one i chose
the kind i made for myself with my own two hands
and theres a certain kind of satisfaction that comes from building something with your bare hands
and thats the kind of satisfaction i have
as i sit back and just Stew in these awful juices, marinating in the collective expunged gloopity glop of this overripe nonsense, the full blown stench of the cumulative result of all these bad decisions and habits brought on by laziness i didnt have enough energy to overcome, sadness i was too depressed to do away with, boredom i was too apathetic to resist, and selfishness i couldnt avoid because i simply couldnt see that there was anything else

and then theres you
but youre not here
and then theres the memory of you
and thats that
......

soothe, saying

a mirror appears, in which all projections are appropriately redirected to the sourceyou can't have this divorce
the one you really want

Maybe--once we accept that life is painful, we may transcend the difficulty
It is simply no longer relevant


Problems call forth our courage and our wisdom
Indeed, they create our courage and our wisdom


It is largely because of pain that we grow mentally and spiritually?
       The tendency to avoid pain and conflict is the basis for all mental illness


Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering

Death; and the Re-Birth of such an idea

Heaven is my Jazz / Redeemer, Please forgive me
I've made so many Weird Mistakes / It hardly seems in keeping

With the kind of stuff / I used to fluff
The way I used to wobble / I never even knew

The way you dance
I never knew
The way you dance
I never knew

The way you dance
I never knew

crum bumpular, stacks

it couldnt have been avoided
its the kind of thing that couldnt have been avoided

girl, you know
nothing ever works

dont forget how good our skin looked
never the sort of thing youd actually say
but still

im not worried about Those Other Guys
im not in the least bit concerned about whats going on down the street after dark

you cant just go around doing things you know youll be ashamed of later
ask me later and ill know why
right now, i dont know why

cover your ears. those big mitts oughta do
youve got some sort of job to do, just try and remember what it is
everyone does all these things
all the things there are to do, we all do them with varying degrees of whatever you like
you could take solace in that, if you wanted

for the record, ive never been addicted to anything
except everything, all at once all at the same time
in a big crescendo of Pretend
its never going to be like that again, but so what who cares whats the big idea
"ill never be young again ill never be young" nevermind

so how do i stay so slim?
i dont desire, i dont crave
i dont open my eyes or hear the news or smell the papers or the flowers or the paper flowers
i just sit here and i just wait for something, just something, and its always just worked out pretty well so i just dont see what the problem is......................

control that stubborn panther
hes your responsibility now
clean up after him on walks
make sure he has plenty of water

where are all the rats tonight
where do they go when they are unseen
are they safe

as the their host
are we setting a good example for them
take care of all the little furry ones
they are our true legacy

do they ache for a golden beam of light
a true gospel
and a brand new sound
or just a piece of cheese and a warm place to sleep
rats have feelings too

the rat messiah appears
to redeem the faithful
no humans allowed
its alright, we've been passed over before
and will be again, and again
for now, the chosen rodents have their day

the meek shall inheit the earth
we will all get what we deserve

Terrified/Overjoyed
it's been years and years

You too can feel beautiful
it doesn't have to be real

Wincing/Arms-Extended
relapse into past patterns

You don't have to learn from your mistakes
if you don't want to

Trembling/Throbbing
in joyous rapture

You've felt this way before
even if you can't remember it

Submerged/Peaking
this can all be yours

You're all you've ever needed
release your favorite part of your soul

and learn to love yourself in spite of your humanity

Picture me

fading

one day at a time one day at a time one day at a time

what happens when you dont want to

what happens when you dont want to

this degree of depression

is not a sustainable business model

my mental going out of business sale

picture something that makes you smile

the implication being that you are forced to smile

you dont have to smile if you dont want to

you dont have to do anything if you dont want to

you can curl up in a ball on the street and die

if you want to

thats the kind of thing we pay taxes to have the freedom to do

a rhyming poem:

conceited meat
concedes defeat
whatever it sees it wants
to eat
to fry and mash and tear to shreds
or smash to smithereens instead
while pushing aside a subtle dread
that this tortured flesh is tasteless

a fitting end for the mute that trot
divide the spoils before they rot
ingest the flesh right on the spot
cant see no reason not to
(even if we didn't, we'd still want to)
- Oprah

a series of clenches/releases
an anthology of commonplace mistakes being made for no reason in particular
another organism taking up space in style
learning to love yourself in the worst of all possible worlds

truth and the pain inherent
where im from, there is no such thing
in my foxhole there are no flashing lights
no car horns, no moving images on screens, no sales pitches
only fur covered bodies huddled together for warmth

half truths and considerate lies
where i go at night, we spend our evenings in silence
concerning ourselves mostly with ritual groomings, conserving energy
temporarily afforded the luxury of stillness
a warm moist musk hangs thick in the air

im not sure if i actually have any friends
but in my den
we lick each others wounds
all the while no words pass our lips
our bond is eternal
we poop in the corner, no plumbing necessary

one day, i will get hit by a car
or die of cancer
but ive seen my brothers and sisters ripped to pieces
one day i will be too
and im pretty much fine with that