the old timers called it 'cabin fever'

i am calm!
im perfectly calm!
im perfectly perfect
having previously perfected the art
of perpetrating perfection
perfectly in all directions

you think you know me steve?
you dont know shit
you wouldnt know shit if you tasted it
you wouldnt know love
if it hit you on the back of the neck
and slid down the small of your back
into your sweats

i want to hold you so close
i want to put my love of you into everything
i do
i want a lot of things all at once sometimes
and sometimes
it just doesnt
seem like
the right thing
to do

these waves,
can you hear them?
can you smell these smells and feel them?

ive only got a few more minutes left,
relatively speaking
and relatively speaking
its all relative

you know?
you dont?
or you do?
you do or you dont?

you are something
but not something else
thats a special label that i reserve
for someone else
but relatively speaking, you are
so here we are
back at the start

i wonder whats on tv...

Totally Haunting

The older you get
and the colder you grow
you're likely to find that
the most reliable companion
is a sturdy sense of no-nonsense bookishness
A stern demeanor
and an underwater grave
of impractical desires cased in cement

A third eye made of Plexiglas
and a wooden soul
An inner child with no friends except its own parents (?)
Haunted by imaginary ghosts
The real kind
That real kids
Are really afraid of

For real

I just want to swim
I heard it said once
Just want to stare at the sun
and eat grease
And fuck myself
until I am one with the universe and all things

Something about fractal patterns...
and then they trailed off

I've been told it doesn't work that way
But I've been told a lot of things
I'm not sure what I believe

uncanny fuzz

you wont last forever
neither will i
still
love your fuzz
thats what i like

my memory cant hold your shape
it fades in and slowly goes
in purplish gold
leaves a faint impression
via muted colors
on the backs of my eyelids

you may lust after the past, and many do
in that present moment, they wish
for that one particular sublime
instant in time
and yet, its an inherent contradiction

the present smothers the lovelorn
those dreaming of what has happened
or longing for what may

they gasp
sucking in air, like a dying fish
on a dock they didn't build
and can't possibly accept in the few brief moments
they're lying in the blinding light of a new world
they weren't made to take

and I feel it, and at that moment know it to be true
that one cannot remember except for in the present
the past is gone
memories just that
not actual events, but the remainders of the muted colors
that once danced in the backs of eyelids

even still, i ache
for just a piece of that afternoon
right now
to lie in the sheets
the kind sunlight
shining

what do i want?
just feelings
the warm kind, all the time

squirrel power

if squirrels could talk
they wouldnt

at least not to us

come on summer

i hear something
i bristle
i squint

i am a grumpy bitch

been uninterrupted
in this perpetual daze
of sleeping in
of senselessly gratifying sensitive compulsions

have become quite invested in
guarding these soft spots
didnt remember what they felt like
until i felt them again

dont like...

been afraid
for all these years

just need to concentrate

cuddle fortress

If my ultimate goal is to grow, to self-improve
to Benjamin Franklinamatize™ my human being
i'm going to need a pair of telescopic lenses

because my eyes simply won't do

they're fine for a man
but have you seen men lately?
no thank you
i've got bigger plans
i don't have time to worry about when things close
or where things are
or any of these things

i'm going to need an iron-clad breast plate
so i don't get shot
cause people are jealous

i'm going to need a lot of really cool friends
so they can get me into the places i want to be
maybe ill check myspace

i'm going to need to be able to sit still
and dedicate large amounts of time to doing things I don't want to do
cause shits gotta get done, yo

i'm going to need to get really, really, patient
and learn to smile and nod
cause people are going to give me a hard time, some of the time

i'm going to have to learn to not get scared
even when things are scary
i dont know about you, but things get pretty scary for me sometimes

i'm going to need a place to live
so im going to need money
and clothes to wear, and something to drink
and music
and pizza once in a while, and maybe some videogames or picture frames or a car

i'm going to need a lot of things
and i think everything i need
will be easier to get
if i just

stay calm

and

breathe

and

think

and

smile

and ..........................................

I'll figure it out

Rowdy-go-Bloodlust

I want fur
Nobody elses, my own

The difference between what I thought I wanted
and what actually took place
It began with a tiny itch
A hairline tickle fracture pleading to be scratched
To be dissolved in relentless, unconditional pressure
Simply to be released in a spasm of self-indulgent body rubbing

I'll be that guy. I don't care.

In perpetual motion, I writhe
Squirm and flagellate
Forever, in a lukewarm void
Of clean feeling grass
The kind that squirrels like
The kind they've always liked

I have an inkling that a certain kindness
Has arrived
That simple recognition isn't enough
You have to move

To gain a certain satisfaction

One must transcend all of this
Hip hop sign language
It can't be penetrated or risen above
There's a trick to it
Ask your mom
If she doesn't know what you're talking about
Just start by sitting still

What kind of a freak-a-body adapts to such a constipated state
Where the concept of everlasting life sounds like a good idea?
There is no money in sleep
You can't drive an S.U.V. and shoot your neighbors dirty looks while you rest
Dreams manifest themselves
You can't choose your nightmares
I just wish I had more

Taking all this time for myself
makes me feel gray as all get out

No one's all that excited about watching me spin in circles
Used to draw quite a crowd in middle school

Maybe it's time to lose my hard-earned sense of wasting away
I haven't even been keeping tabs on my offhand thoughts and remarks
Perhaps I should organize them
But I'd have to buy a filing cabinet first
And that's a whole 'nother ball of wax, as my grandfather would say

He was a wax salesman, and not a very good one at that
Kept getting distracted
Never had enough time
And once he did
Killed it

So, basically, I used to be these kidz

heft baggage/heavy duty duties

nothing is ever negative; i am negative
nothing is positive; i am positive
i hear, speak, and see evil and its heavy and i carry the load
and im gettin ripped

its the only way to go if you want to save your soul

clean addictions

cold check it
this shits electric
the type of clean fun
thats fast and hectic

i long for the kind of moral relativism they taught me in school
the kind where everyones right all the time
until someone loses their temper or overgeneralizes, that is

theres no excuse for rudeness

im mostly in it for the feelings
i like to see how i feel
and try and understand how other people are feeling
you feel me?

we'll all go far if we remember to respect our older brothers
honor our fathers
care for our husbands
and obey our masters

it feels pretty great.
inside

ive got birthday girl syndrome
its a bad case
i want everything i want and i want it now and ive got a reservoir of crocodile tears ready to flood the nile and break the levees of any boys brazen enough to fart out my candles

tonight, im my own scented candle
im a golden ratio
a factorial!
princess sparkles, dressed to the nines
pretty in pink and hot to trot
so get out of my sight, 'nless ya wanna get
shot

ima make the rubble bounce